BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY

Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without
defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA, NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS!

The Lexus

This nokta quite accurately reflects the materialistic society that we have built around us. Does it suggest any New Year resolution we might all want to be making?:-)))


A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

A quoi reconnait-on le libanais?

1 Il appelle tout le monde « habibi »
2 Il arrive une ou deux heures en retard à une soirée ou à un rendez-vous, et il pense que c'est tout à fait normal.
3 Il reste une heure ou deux à discuter avec ses convives sur le pas de la porte quand la soirée est terminée, tout en restant appuyé sur le bouton de l'ascenceur.
4 Il/Elle a 23 ans, presque engagé(e) dans la vie, mais il vit toujours chez ses parents, et son couvre-feu est à 23h.
5 Sa mère l'appelle (trop) souvent.

6 Partout où il va, il se trouve un cousin.
7 Il dit "ferme la lumière" au lieu de "éteins la lumière".
8 Peu importe qui est l'interlocuteur, ni ce qu'il fait dans la vie, s'il est libanais, alors il est potentiellement intéressant.
9 Beaucoup de ses valeurs datent du 19è siècle.
10 Ses amis et autres cousins ont des noms bizarres (Rabih, Jad, Akrum, Karim, Feswee, ou Fadi...)

11 Ces noms aussi bizarres que modestes se traduisent en français par : Printemps, authentique, généreux, héros...
12 Ces noms sont à l'image de leurs propriétaires, au physique totalement hétéroclite. L'un est roux avec des tâches de rousseur sur les épaules, l'autre est châtain, et le dernier est mat. Pourtant ils prétendent venir du même village, et être de lamême famille.
13 Sur son écran de télévision tourne 24h/24h une chaîne
curieuse nommée LBC.
14 Il regarde la star ac', mais en version libanaise.
15 Il regarde la ferme célébrités mais en version libanaise.

16 Il regarde la nouvelle star, mais en version libanaise.
17 Il regarde les mêmes émissions que tout le monde, mais en version libanaise, ce qui entraîne quelques
décalages quand il veut participer aux discussions le lendemain des diffusions à la télé.
18 Quand il rencontre un libanais, il se sent obligé de lui demander de quel village il vient.
19 Il appelle sa grand-mère « Téta » et son grand père « Gédo ».
20 Ses cousins n'ont pas de noms. Ils s'appellent « bint khalé » (la fille de mon oncle) ou « ebin aamté» (le fils de ma tante).

21 Chaque été, il a au moins un cousin qui se
marie.
21 bis : Sa famille est en cesse en train d'essayer de le marier.
22 Il est toujours en retard, sauf s'il y a une histoire d'argent à la clé.
23 Il est orgueilleux.
24 Il est fier de ses ancêtres les Phéniciens, au point qu'il se dit être Phénicien. Un peu comme si un français se réclamait Gaulois.
25 Il a des drapeaux libanais, des portes clés et des colliers à l'effigie du Liban.

26 Il porte un cèdre à son cou.
27 Chez lui, tout est inversé. Sa mère l'appelle « mama » (maman) et son père l'appelle. « baba » (papa).
28 Il écoute de la musique arabe en voiture, au grand dam de ses amis français.
29 Il est persuadé que les chanteuses libanaises sont des stars de renommée internationale.
30 Il n'aime pas beaucoup les pays qui entourent le sien.

31 Les gens plus vieux que lui, il les appelle « ammo» (oncle) ou « tante », même s'ils ne sont pas de sa famille.
32 Il a du flair (du nez ?).
33 Il est beau parleur.
34 Il s'énerve quand les arabes ont le rôle des terroristes dans les films américains.
35 Ses cousines sont des canons, ce qui peut être étonnant quand on le regarde.

36 Au restaurant, lui et ses confrères libanais se chamaillent pour savoir qui aura le privilège de payer l'addition, tandis que leurs amis français auront la tête plongée dans leurs calculettes afin de départager l'addition selon ce que chacun a consommé.
37 A partir du deuxième étage, sa maison est en construction depuis déjà 6 ans. En revanche, le rez-de-chaussée est impeccable.
38 La politique de son pays est incompréhensible. Il a déjà tenté de l'expliquer, mais en vain. De toute façon, ça n'intéresse que lui.
39 Chez lui, il y a toujours toute sa famille depuis déjà 5 ans, qu'il héberge « temporairement ».
40 Il plaint ceux qui ne sont pas libanais (il pense qu'être libanais est un privilège, et que ceux qui ne le sont pas l'envient).

41 Il va souvent à l'aéroport pour chercher ou emmener quelqu'un (Habibi ya Joule, c'est pour toi celui là ahahah)
42 Il parle au moins une fois par jour du liban (il gonfle souvent ses amis avec ça).
43 Il se sent fier quand une célébrité est d'origine libanaise (il connaît d'ailleurs la liste des personnalités
d'origine libanaise par cœur).
44 Il est souvent persuadé d'avoir raison.
45 Il prétend que son pays était magnifique, mais c'était il y a 20 ans.

46 Selon lui, c'est un complot international qui est à l'origine de la guerre du liban.
47 Il dit « Bolice » au lieu de Police, et « Autostrad » au lieu de « autoroute ».
48 Il hérite (ou va inévitablement hériter) d'un morceau de terre, quelque part au Liban, ou d'une affaire, quelque part dans le monde.
49 Quand il rencontre une libanaise, ses yeux se mettent à briller, ses poils se redressent, et il pétille intérieurement de joie.
50 Quand il rencontre un libanais, il se met à parler un dialecte inconnu.

51 Il a plus de famille au canada, aux Etats-Unis, en Amérique du Sud, en France, en Belgique, en Afrique...qu'au Liban.
52 Il prononce la lettre « h », normalement muette dans la langue française.
53 Quand il parle anglais, il prononce « comfortable » cun-fort-a-bull
54 Il met un litre d'huile d'olive dans tous ses plats.
55 Il mange du Humus et du Labné.

56 Le seul pain qu'on trouve chez lui, c'est du pain libanais.
57 Il mange des repas qui datent de plus de trois jours.
58 En soirée, il croit que c'est branché de danser tout en fumant, la chemise à demi-ouverte.
59 Pour lui, la frime passe avant l'intellect. Bien qu'il soit cultivé, il véhicule une image de macho, aimant les grosses voitures, l'argent, le sport, et les belles femmes.
60 Il fait croire qu'il adore dépenser, alors qu'il déteste ça.

61 Elle (la libanaise) se teint les cheveux en blond, et elle jure que ses cheveux sont naturellement comme ça.
62 Elle (la libanaise) aime mélanger les langues française, anglaise, et arabe dans une seule et même phrase. Elle trouve ça « in ».
63 Bien qu'elle (la libanaise) soit cultivée,elle véhicule une image de femme totalement superficielle à son entourage, aimant les hommes friqués, bien habillés, et qui roulent en cabriolet.
64 Il aime apprendre des mots arabes à ses amis français (surtout les grossièretés).
65 Sa mère lui donne généralement des surnoms ridicules.

66 Son père écoute Oum Kalthoum, et il a de la moustache.
67 Il raconte aux femmes qu'il a plusieurs affaires dans Paris (Qui ira vérifier la véracité de ses propos ?)
67 bis, S'il est salarié dans une boîte, il dira aux gens que c'est lui le patron de cette boîte.
68 Il roule avec le 4x4 de papa, et le coupé cabriolet de « khalo » (tonton).
69 Il aime flamber et faire croire qu'il est riche, même s'il doit se priver de manger pour ça.
70 Il est lésé et blessé quand on insulte K-maro.

71 Il appelle toute sa famille et tous ses amis quand il y a un reportage ou une émission sur le Liban à la télé.
72 Sa mère veut qu'il soit médecin, et son père avocat.
73 Il est fier de lui
74 Il est très fier de lui
75 Il est vraiment trop fier de lui, voire prétentieux. Il croit qu'en déclarant "Je suis libanais", ses interlocuteurs vont trembler comme des chatons. Pourtant, ses interlocuteurs ne savent pas ce que c'est que libanais, et le confondent avec albanais.

76 Il est incapable de vous dire ce qu'il fait réellement dans la vie.
77 Son permis de conduire, il l'a acheté !
78 Il mélange le français, l'arabe et l'anglais dans une seule et même phrase.
79 Il est fier d'être arabe.
80 Si quelqu'un l'assimile à un arabe, il se met dans tous ses états, lui rétorquant : « JE NE SUIS PAS ARABE, JE SUIS
LIBANAIS ! Il y a une différence tout de même ! ». Certains répondront "Je suis phénicien"...Ne cherchez pas à comprendre....

81- Toutes les libanaises portent des grosses lunettes de soleil avec strass, même en hiver.......Faut pas chercher à comprendre non plus....

Think About It

Things to think about for the upcoming new year:

- Life is sexually transmitted.

- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

- A slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00!

- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

- We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located, but we haven't got a clue as to where terrorists are located!

Finally a word of wisdom to all of you so-called 'wise-guys':

'Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.What you do today, might burn your ass maniana.'

God's voice mail !

Too funny not to share ...

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of
our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to
install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
>

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1

For French press 2

For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request

Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right
now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the
order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1

Jesus, press 2

Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter
his S I N # followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code
666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3
16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets,
please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please
hang up and call again tomorrow.


The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.


An attempt to brighten your day!

Joyeux Noël à tous les Farfashistus

The latest from Cairo

واحد اتحشر في زحمة المرور فلقى واحد بيخبطله على شباك العربيه فتح الشباك و سأله عايز ايه قاله : الرئيس حسنى مبارك خطفوه و الفدية 5$مليون دولارو لو الفدية ماتدفعتش .. الخاطفين هددوا يدلقوا عليه بنزين و يولعوا فيهو احنا بنجمع تبرعات .. تحب تشارك ؟الرجل سأل: ' و في المتوسط الناس بتتبرع بكام'الرجل الثاني : ' من 5 الى 10 لتر بنزين

Le President

Wanted to offer my best wishes for X'Mas and New Year to the Farfachistes and their families.

Now that 2007 is almost over, I want to thank you all for your contribution in making our club the success that it enjoys now. Our numbers have increased(14) and the quality of our discussions and Farfasha is as ever of the top quality.

I am asking Abouna Barsoum to offer a special prayer for our continued success in 2008.

Merci a notre directeur des affaires ordinaires et banales. Sa contribution a ce chapitre fut grandement appreciee.

All the best to you and families.

Le President

Shanghai Acrobats Part II

My dear Farfachist,

Here is the segment I prefer, a romantic acrobatic act that looks more like ballet. Enjoy

Testing J K Arabic skills

س: ايه الشبه بين الجرنال والشمس ؟؟

ج: الاتنين بيطلعوا الصبح

س: ايه الشبه بين التفاح والكمثرى ؟؟

ج: الاتنين مش جوافة

س: ايه الشبه بين الصعيدي الذكي وسوبر مان ؟؟

ج: الاتنين خيال علمي

***********

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures?

Your last name does not change.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
reading it.

Les Francais

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of
castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with
the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English,
but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep
fries'.

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the
'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.

The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife
where the French hired hand was, and she said, "You know, it's the weirdest
thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening,
we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!!

You know you're Egyptian raised in Montreal if/when..

· You know what "Adonis", "Byblos" and "Challal" are.

· There's a pack of "Leb" or Pistachios in your house, right now.

· You've had peanut butter and jam sandwich on chami/Pita bread.

· Your friends complained that you have no "real bread"

· "Fool" just doesn't mean the same thing anymore.

· Your life took on a whole new meaning when you found out what chicha actually was, and from that day decided to pay closer attention to the ornaments of your house.

· You know at least 3 families that live in Ville St-Laurent

· People will guess that you're Italian, Greek, Armenian, Jewish,
Lebanese, Quebecois... but not Egyptian.

· You have trouble finding a member of the opposite sex whose parents don't know yours.

· You know that "Yalla on s'en va!" simply meant that you've got a good 20 minutes left before you even begin to leave.

· There's a Nabil SOMEWHERE in your family tree / You are Nabil.

· You've been on a vacation at the same place at least 4 times.

· You've experienced at least one new year's at the Sheraton Laval.

· You actually thought at some point that "Teta" and "Geddo" were your grandparent's real names.

· There's is/was little set of pyramids in your living room, a Nefertiti statuette and a Backgammon set.

· That backgammon set weighs more than a small child.

· You know that "Tric-Trac", is not a disease.

· Your parents' friends speak of you in the third person when even when you're actually in the same room as them; "Ton fils il sait parler l'arabe?" / "Ta fille elle sait parler l'arabe?". [edit: I actually have one relative who used "T'EHKI ARABI YA KHAWAL?!"]

· You've been assigned to the "kid's table" way passed your teens.

· You've got a relative nicknamed fifo, louli, loulou, jijo, fifi, foufou, kiki, zouzou, didi, lili, zaza, mimi, lilo....................

· ...not a SINGLE letter in the said nickname appears in their real name.

· You've called somebody to come rescue you from the basement of a family gathering.

· You've escaped from one of your own family gatherings.

· You've drafted a bullet-form list for your parents outlining how the VCR/DVD/Computer works.

· Your parents have lost that list.

· They've actually lost it more than once..

· An incident can happen in your home and you could be 100km. away... but somehow it's still your fault. You also have to come home RIGHT NOW.

· Not "Cote-Vertu"... "Cote VertCHU"

· You can't seem to find the humor in the name "Sheriff" / You are Sheriff.

· You've taken a phone message for your parents and fulfilled the basic requirement of writing down the phone number, yet they expect you to know why that person called and all sorts of other details as if you had a two hour conversation with them.

· Choices... weren't really choices:

- Tu veux venir avec nous ou non?
- Non...
- NON!!! TU *DOIS* VENIR. VA T'HABILLER.

· Corn on the barbecue.

· You were doomed forever when The Bangles released "Walk Like an Egyptian" in the 80's.

· For some reason, every egyptian party that you DIDN'T attend with your parents, has turned out to be the greatest night EVER. And you know this because your parents come back telling you one or all of the following things:

- "Tu aurais du venir, il y a avait plein de jeunes de ton age."
- "Tout le monde a demande de toi."
- "Tu aurais du venir, c'etait bien"

· Your parents have "threatened" to clean your room if you don't.

· Your relatives have almost injured people on the beach while playing "racquet".

· You know that none of the players of the said "racquet" will go get the ball if it goes out of bounds: they'll wait you out until the tide changes if they have to. VA CHERCHER!!

· You're positive that your parents have no idea what a mood-swing is.

· Kitchen containers 101: "Blanc" and "Transparent" are the same thing, good luck.

· You've heard one of those Arabic stand up comedy tapes where the jokes are like... 3 words, and then, a crowd laughing for 5 minutes.

· You're perfectly capable of eating pickled stuff at any time of day.

· You know that the markup on the Hummus and Baba Ghannouj being sold in grocery stores is a heresy.

· People ask you why you speak that "weird french" with your parents. You give them the story if you're feeling up to the task that day..

· Egyptians: the best dressed people at "Cabane a Sucre".

You know you're Egyptian raised in Montreal if/when..

· You know what "Adonis", "Byblos" and "Challal" are.

· There's a pack of "Leb" or Pistachios in your house, right now.

· You've had peanut butter and jam sandwich on chami/Pita bread.

· Your friends complained that you have no "real bread"

· "Fool" just doesn't mean the same thing anymore.

· Your life took on a whole new meaning when you found out what chicha actually was, and from that day decided to pay closer attention to the ornaments of your house.

· You know at least 3 families that live in Ville St-Laurent

· People will guess that you're Italian, Greek, Armenian, Jewish,
Lebanese, Quebecois... but not Egyptian.

· You have trouble finding a member of the opposite sex whose parents don't know yours.

· You know that "Yalla on s'en va!" simply meant that you've got a good 20 minutes left before you even begin to leave.

· There's a Nabil SOMEWHERE in your family tree / You are Nabil.

· You've been on a vacation at the same place at least 4 times.

· You've experienced at least one new year's at the Sheraton Laval.

· You actually thought at some point that "Teta" and "Geddo" were your grandparent's real names.

· There's is/was little set of pyramids in your living room, a Nefertiti statuette and a Backgammon set.

· That backgammon set weighs more than a small child.

· You know that "Tric-Trac", is not a disease.

· Your parents' friends speak of you in the third person when even when you're actually in the same room as them; "Ton fils il sait parler l'arabe?" / "Ta fille elle sait parler l'arabe?". [edit: I actually have one relative who used "T'EHKI ARABI YA KHAWAL?!"]

· You've been assigned to the "kid's table" way passed your teens.

· You've got a relative nicknamed fifo, louli, loulou, jijo, fifi, foufou, kiki, zouzou, didi, lili, zaza, mimi, lilo....................

· ...not a SINGLE letter in the said nickname appears in their real name.

· You've called somebody to come rescue you from the basement of a family gathering.

· You've escaped from one of your own family gatherings.

· You've drafted a bullet-form list for your parents outlining how the VCR/DVD/Computer works.

· Your parents have lost that list.

· They've actually lost it more than once..

· An incident can happen in your home and you could be 100km. away... but somehow it's still your fault. You also have to come home RIGHT NOW.

· Not "Cote-Vertu"... "Cote VertCHU"

· You can't seem to find the humor in the name "Sheriff" / You are Sheriff.

· You've taken a phone message for your parents and fulfilled the basic requirement of writing down the phone number, yet they expect you to know why that person called and all sorts of other details as if you had a two hour conversation with them.

· Choices... weren't really choices:

- Tu veux venir avec nous ou non?
- Non...
- NON!!! TU *DOIS* VENIR. VA T'HABILLER.

· Corn on the barbecue.

· You were doomed forever when The Bangles released "Walk Like an Egyptian" in the 80's.

· For some reason, every egyptian party that you DIDN'T attend with your parents, has turned out to be the greatest night EVER. And you know this because your parents come back telling you one or all of the following things:

- "Tu aurais du venir, il y a avait plein de jeunes de ton age."
- "Tout le monde a demande de toi."
- "Tu aurais du venir, c'etait bien"

· Your parents have "threatened" to clean your room if you don't.

· Your relatives have almost injured people on the beach while playing "racquet".

· You know that none of the players of the said "racquet" will go get the ball if it goes out of bounds: they'll wait you out until the tide changes if they have to. VA CHERCHER!!

· You're positive that your parents have no idea what a mood-swing is.

· Kitchen containers 101: "Blanc" and "Transparent" are the same thing, good luck.

· You've heard one of those Arabic stand up comedy tapes where the jokes are like... 3 words, and then, a crowd laughing for 5 minutes.

· You're perfectly capable of eating pickled stuff at any time of day.

· You know that the markup on the Hummus and Baba Ghannouj being sold in grocery stores is a heresy.

· People ask you why you speak that "weird french" with your parents. You give them the story if you're feeling up to the task that day..

· Egyptians: the best dressed people at "Cabane a Sucre".

THE NEW FARFASHA OFFICE POLICY

NEW OFFICE POLICY

DRESS CODE:

YOU ARE ADVISED TO COME TO WORK DRESSED ACCORDING TO YOUR SALARY.

IF WE SEE YOU WEARING PRADA SHOES AND CARRYING A GUCCI BAG, WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE DOING WELL FINANCIALLY AND THEREFORE YOU DO NOT NEED A RAISE.

IF YOU DRESS POORLY, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR MONEY BETTER, SO THAT YOU MAY BUY NICER CLOTHES, AND THEREFORE YOU DO NOT NEED A RAISE.

IF YOU DRESS JUST RIGHT, YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE YOU NEED TO BE AND THEREFORE YOU DO NOT NEED A RAISE.

SICK DAYS:

WE WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT A DOCTOR'S STATEMENT AS PROOF OF SICKNESS.

IF YOU ARE ABLE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, YOU ARE ABLE TO COME TO WORK.

PERSONAL DAYS:

-EACH EMPLOYEE WILL RECEIVE 104 PERSONAL DAYS A YEAR. THEY ARE CALLED SATURDAY'S AND SUNDAY'S.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

-THIS IS NO EXCUSE FOR MISSING WORK.

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO FOR DEAD FRIENDS, RELATIVES OR COWORKERS.

EVERY EFFORT SHOULD BE MADE TO HAVE NON-EMPLOYEES ATTEND TO THE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS. IN RARE CASES WHERE EMPLOYEE INVOLVEMENT IS NECESSARY, THE FUNERAL SHOULD BE SCHEDULED IN THE LATE AFTERNOON.

WE WILL BE GLAD TO ALLOW YOU TO WORK THROUGH YOUR LUNCH HOUR AND SUBSEQUENTLY LEAVE ONE HOUR EARLY.

BATHROOM BREAKS: ( stop laughing)

-ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TIME IS BEING SPENT ON THE TOILET. THERE IS NOW A STRICT THREE MINUTE TIME LIMIT IN THE STALLS. AT THE END OF THE THREE MINUTES,

- AN ALARM WILL SOUND ,

- THE TOILET PAPER ROLL WILL RETRACT,

- THE STALL DOOR WILL OPEN, AND

- A PICTURE WILL BE TAKEN.

AFTER YOUR SECOND OFFENSE, YOUR PICTURE WILL BE POSTED ON THE COMPANY BULLETIN UNDER THE 'CHRONIC OFFENDERS' CATEGORY.

ANYONE CAUGHT SMILING IN THE PICTURE WILL BE SECTIONED UNDER THE COMPANY'S MENTAL HEALTH POLICY.

LUNCH BREAK:

- SKINNY PEOPLE GET 30 MINUTES FOR LUNCH, AS THEY NEED TO EAT MORE, SO THAT THEY CAN LOOK HEALTHY.

- NORMAL SIZE PEOPLE GET 15 MINUTES FOR LUNCH TO GET A BALANCED MEAL TO MAINTAIN THEIR AVERAGE FIGURE.

- CHUBBY PEOPLE GET 5 MINUTES FOR LUNCH, BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THE TIME NEEDED TO DRINK A SLIM FAST.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOYALTY TO OUR COMPANY. WE ARE HERE TO PROVIDE A POSITIVE EMPLOYMENT EXPERIENCE. THEREFORE, ALL QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, CONCERNS, COMPLAINTS, FRUSTRATIONS, IRRITATIONS, AGGRAVATIONS,
INSINUATIONS, ALLEGATIONS, ACCUSATIONS, CONTEMPLATIONS, CONSTERNATIONS AND INPUT SHOULD BE DIRECTED ELSEWHERE.

THE FARFASHA MANAGEMENT.